I spent a solid two decades of my life on the sidelines of a field, basketball court or pitch.

Both girls played multiple sports growing up and went on to play lacrosse in college. I have watched more draw controls than I can count, in weather no reasonable person should stand outside in. My son did his time on a soccer pitch.

All of which meant more miles on my car than I choose to admit, and I will never tally how much money I’ve spent on gas over the years.

There was one thing I heard from the sidelines more than anything else, from more coaches than I could name. Not a play. Not a strategy. Just this:

“You gotta want the ball.”

This was usually yelled at a player standing in space, doing everything right except the one thing that mattered: making it obvious they wanted to be part of the play.

I never thought much about it at the time. It was just sideline noise, the same as “clear it out” or “mark up.”

Lately, “You gotta want the ball” has been rattling around in my head. The fields have gone quiet, and I have a lot more time to think about what I actually want out of this chapter of my life.

Because I think I have gotten pretty good at standing in space. Doing everything right. Being available, being fine, being the person who does not ask for too much.

Somewhere between all those years on the sidelines and now, I got quieter about what I wanted. Not because I stopped wanting things. I just stopped saying them out loud.

I have been noticing it in small ways. Work I say I want to do more of but mostly just think about doing. Plans I would love to make but keep waiting for someone else to suggest. Things I want for myself that I keep treating like they are optional.

None of that is a crisis.

It is just space I have been standing in.

I am still working out what wanting the ball looks like at this age, when nobody is yelling it at you from the sideline anymore.

Maybe it starts with admitting you want it.

And then making sure you are not standing quietly in open space, waiting for someone to notice.